


Christmases, Cannoli, and a Card

by Larkin21



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Barisi - Freeform, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-24
Updated: 2017-12-24
Packaged: 2019-02-19 11:31:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13122828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Larkin21/pseuds/Larkin21
Summary: This story isn't meant to fall in any particular year in canon. It's just an angsty Christmas apart for Rafael and Sonny, with a look back on their one Christmas together.





	Christmases, Cannoli, and a Card

**Author's Note:**

> So this one is pretty personal and fairly rushed, especially considering how slow I typically am. In additional to angst, warning for fluffy Christmas past and an open-ended ending. And posted without beta.

**_*Christmas Eve, present*_ **

Rafael fumbled with the red ribbon he tied around the box of cannoli. He had heard from Liv that Sonny was putting in extra shifts and that he didn't plan to go home for Staten Island Christmas until Theresa and her husband came into town on the 27th. So Rafael had driven to Alfonso's Bakery himself to pick up Sonny's favorite cannoli (favorite ... "aside from my Ma's" - as Sonny would be quick to tack on) so that he could have them on Christmas day. Rafael's hands shook as he used the scissors to curl the ends of the ribbon and he cursed when the blade sliced into the skin of his thumb, two crimson drops landing beside the still open card.

He quickly stuck his thumb in his mouth in attempt to sooth the pain and slow the bleeding. It wasn't a deep cut and he was relieved the blood hadn't landed on the card. He used a tissue to wipe away the drops and his eyes started to scan his hand written message … 

_Sonny -_

_I hope you enjoy these cannoli. I heard your family Christmas has been pushed back so I wanted you to have something from home on Christmas day._

_And Sonny, I miss you. For the past two months, all that I can think about is how I should have asked_

… but he made himself stop reading. He had agonized over the card enough already. What was written was written and he wasn't going to write yet another draft. He had taken a picture of the card and gift before tying the box so that he could agonize each word, again, over a scotch later that night. For now, though, he needed to deliver everything to the station while he knew that Sonny was home, with orders to sleep a few hours, before his Christmas Eve shift that night.

\----  
**_*Christmas Eve, one year prior*_**

"Sonny, not 30 minutes ago you said that you have a ' _hankering_ ' for cannoli. So why are you making fudge? Not that I’m complaining about the fudge, mind you."

Sonny angled his eyes towards Rafael on the other side of the kitchen counter. The corners of his eyes crinkled from his flirtatious smile. He shook his head at Rafael while he continued stirring the melted butter and chocolate chip concoction to smoothness.

"What?" Rafael asked with his own smile. "You make delicious cannoli. If you need the ingredients, I can run to the store for you."

"Rafael," Sonny drawled, wiping his hands on the end of his apron and reaching across the counter for his boyfriend's hand. "I know this is hard for non-Carisi's to understand but cannoli at Christmas … it's a sacred thing. My cannoli is delicious to you," and he waggled his eyebrows suggestively, to which Rafael rolled his eyes but continued smiling. "But cannoli at Christmas ... It's just not worth it if it's not Ma's."

Sonny went back to stirring, eyes focused on his work. Rafael watched quietly for a moment until he couldn't resist. He went around the counter and slid his arm around Sonny's waist, looking down at the double boiler as he pulled Sonny flush against his side.

Sonny smiled and kissed the top of Rafael's head, giving his shoulders a squeeze with his free hand. He left his arm draped around Rafael and sighed. 

"What did I do to deserve you?" Rafael asked, his tone part playful, part genuine. "A boyfriend who desperately wants one thing but will make up a sweet excuse to fix _my_ favorite sweet instead?"

Sonny laughed, loud and pure. Rafael felt his chest go warm and he pressed a finger into Sonny's ribs, causing his laugh to change and him to squirm but not pull away. Rafael would always marvel that Sonny forced himself to stay close, even when being tickled. He decided to show mercy and not press his luck.

"To be honest, though," Sonny smiled, his tone conspiratorial. "There is one exception to the sacred cannoli rule."

"Oh yes?"

"Yeah, and … you _can NOT_ tell Ma this. Whenever you meet her, you cannot tell her."

Rafael smiled ruefully but sobered quickly. He looked Sonny in the eye and held up his left hand to indicate his sincere agreement. 

"Alright, boy scout Barba," Sonny laughed. "So yeah, there's this place on Staten Island, Alfonso's, that makes _the best_ cannoli you'll ever taste. Aside from Ma's, of course."

"So Alfonso's is sacred then?" Rafael asked as he pulled out his phone.

"Yeah, I guess so," Sonny glanced down and did a double take. "Hey, no." 

He dropped the spoon against the bowl and reached for Rafael's phone.

"Ah, ah, ah," Rafael tisked, spinning away from Sonny and leaning against the opposite counter. "I'm just checking the hours."

"What?!" Sonny yelled, laughing again. "Rafael, you're incredibly sweet but no. I'm going to my parents tomorrow. Ma will greet me at the door with cannoli. I don't need Alfonso's today."

"And I don't need fudge but here we are," Rafael teased.

"No, really, Rafael. I mean it," Sonny's voice was suddenly serious and Rafael looked up, startled. "I just want to be with you, okay? Right here. Not leaving each other's side and not wasting time in traffic for some damn cannoli."

"'Damn cannoli?'" Rafael joked. He slipped his phone back in his pocket and crossed toward Sonny. He pulled their hips together and looked up at his boyfriend with a sly smile on his face. "You must be serious if you'll refer to something sacred as 'damn cannoli.'"

Sonny rolled his eyes but smiled back. "I am serious, Rafael. I just -" Sonny sighed and kissed Rafael soundly on the mouth. "I love you so fucking much, you know that? If you asked me? Right now? I'd marry you in a heartbeat."

Rafael's breath caught and he held Sonny's gaze, unable to speak.

"No pressure or anything," Sonny said easily and without fear. "I just want you to know how serious I am. If you asked, I'd say yes. I'd say yes right now."

Rafael smiled and kissed Sonny slowly, just a hint of tongue. He pulled away and gave Sonny's side one more playful jab. "And why am I the one asking? If you're so ready to marry me, why don't you ask me yourself?"

"Oh come on, it's so early in our relationship. I know that. And I don't know that you'd say yes."

"But you expect me to take that leap?" Rafael laughed joyfully.

"It's not a leap, Rafael," Sonny answered with a wistful smile. "I'm telling you now I'd say yes. And besides, you've known I've been head over heels for you from the beginning."

"Hmm," Rafael hummed, still smiling. He then looked over Sonny's shoulder towards the stovetop. "I hope you're not burning our fudge."

"Oh shit!" Sonny gripped Rafael's hand and pulled him with him back to the fudge. "Oh good, it's still okay." 

Rafael looked up at Sonny's smiling face and down at their hands linked together and back to the bowl of smooth, melted perfection. He smiled himself and took a deep breath.

"I want to marry you, Sonny," Rafael told him honestly. "I do, badly. But …"

"Hey," Sonny said, smiling just the same. "No pressure, right? I just wanted you to know how much I love you."

"No, I know. And I love you so much too," Rafael gave his hand a squeeze. "So much. But … we have a lot to work through, you know? A lot to figure out. And I worry that marriage or even engagement might …"

"Rafael, I know. I really do." Sonny turned the heat off on the stovetop and turned to face Rafael fully, cupping his face in his hands. "I mean it, no pressure. I love you and I want to spend my life with you and that's all that matters to me."

"Me too, Sonny. Me too." 

\----  
**_*Christmas Eve, present*_**

"You _really_ didn't need to come in early," Amanda told Sonny as they waited for the elevator at the precinct. "I was fine checking in on her on my own. And you've got a long night ahead of you."

"And you really don't need to see me to the squad room," Sonny responded good naturedly. "I'm good. Get on home to Jesse."

"I wasn't kidding when I said I left food in the break room." The doors binged open and Amanda punched Sonny on the arm. "It's not all about you, ya know?"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." Sonny held the door for her and pressed the button to the squad room floor once they were both in.

"That said …" Amanda side-eyed Sonny, holding a breath until Sonny turned to face her straight on and she continued softly. "I did hear Barba asking Liv about you the other day."

Sonny sighed and leaned against the sidewall, head down and hands shoved in his pockets. "At least he's stopped texting me."

"Are you ever going to tell me what happened with you two?" Amanda asked, more force to her voice.

"No." Sonny said shortly. Then he looked at her, how soft her face was despite her demanding tone. "Look, it wasn't any _one_ thing, alright? It just … it just wasn't working."

"Well, I'm sorry. I know I've said it before but … I was rooting for you two. It's a shame. And I know it's hard now but you'll both move on. With time."

Sonny just smiled toothlessly and nodded, unsure what say in response. The door opened to their floor and Sonny held it for her again.

"Hopefully you'll have a quiet couple of nights, pal," Amanda said striding in front of him and straight for the break room. "And then you'll head to Staten Island the day after tomorrow?"

"Nah, the day after that," Sonny said, following her in. He went to fix himself some coffee while she pulled out a few containers of Chinese from the fridge. "Just for a few days. Plenty of time to spoil my nieces and nephew. I'll be back in time to work New Year's Eve."

"Racking up that holiday pay, uh?"

"Someone's gotta do it," he replied, with an air of his charming "shucks, ma'am" humor. 

"True enough." She finished placing her Chinese in a brown paper bag and smiled at him with far too much understanding. She grabbed his shoulder and pulled him in for a hug. "Merry Christmas, Sonny. Call me if you get bored."

"Yeah, thanks," Sonny whispered. "Merry Christmas, Amanda."

She gave his shoulder another punch, slightly softer this time, grabbed her left-overs, and headed for the door, calling out a few "Happy Holidays" to the unis working as she went.

Sonny picked up his coffee and walked towards his desk, intent on knocking out some paperwork to keep his mind occupied. He stopped mid-sip when he saw a familiar box on his desk, tied closed with a red ribbon with curled ends. 

Unthinking, he set his coffee on the nearest desk and he kept walking towards the Alfonso's box. As he approached, he saw a green envelope tucked under the ribbon and his own name written by a familiar hand.

He sat down, unsure what to expect from the card. Unsure if he was willing to open himself up to more pain. With shaking hands, he opened his middle desk drawer and pulled out a pair of scissors. He cut the ribbon at the knot and let it fall to the sides. Part of him didn't even want the cannoli that he was sure were inside the box. He definitely didn't want to read the card. He wasn't sure he could handle any message that might be in that envelop, be it a detached "Happy Holidays" or an elaborate attempt to win him back, or any other of the many options.

After a moment, his curiosity got the better of him and he slid the card off the box and was grateful that Rafael hadn't sealed it shut. Still, he struggled to pull the folded card out and dropped the envelope in his nervousness. He took three deep breaths and opened the card.

_Sonny -_

_I hope you enjoy these cannoli. I heard your family Christmas has been pushed back so I wanted you to have something from home on Christmas day._

_And Sonny, I miss you. For the past two months, all that I can think about is how I should have asked you to marry me._

A few tears clouded Sonny's vision and he wiped them away fiercely. He took yet another breath and continued to read.

_I should have asked you a year ago, and even before you brought it up last Christmas. I knew that I wanted to, from the beginning, but I was scared. I know it wouldn't fix everything, perhaps not anything, but it's important to me that you know … I wanted to marry you then and I want to marry you now. I'll want to be married to you for the rest of my life. If I can't have that, I want us to be in each other's lives. I hope you decide that our relationship brings more happiness to your life than any negative emotions that you associate with it now. I hope you can forgive me and that you decide to give me another chance. I know you need more time but I need you to know that I'm still here, that I still want what I've always wanted. Merry Christmas, Sonny._

_With love,  
Rafael_

Hands still shaking, Sonny set the card down beside the cannoli box. A swirl of emotions moved through and around him. He snatched the card back up, folded it twice, shoved it into his suit jacket pocket, and pushed the cannoli aside. He opened his laptop lid, mindlessly typed in his password, stared at the case file still open from that morning, and got to work.

**Author's Note:**

> As always, kudos and comments are much appreciated. Feel free to point out any mistakes you notice or share constructive criticism. Thanks again for reading! ♥


End file.
